Probably the only thing I will get for Valentine's this year....

..is a promotional email from Foyles. Oh yes. Life of a singleton at its literary best, etc.

Foyles has never been a favourite of mine; in fact, I think it’s pretty much the most overrated bookshop ever. From my experience, the staff are bored and not engaging enough with customers to make it the amazing experience it should be: the last time I went, I didn’t buy anything (proof in itself of a bookshop not coming up to scratch!) and, when a lady bought whatever it was she was after, the staff continued to have their own conversation behind the till, totally ignoring her. Worst service ever – a total bugbear of mine. From what I remember too, they didn’t really use the space very well, and there were no exciting visual promotions. Whatever faults you might think Waterstone’s have, at least their shops are pretty!

Anyway, this email. Further evidence of why I don’t like Foyles. Because I’m feeling angry and pedantic, I really can’t be bothered with a counter-argument to consider why Foyles marketing may have sent this out. I am aware that you can’t read the email (I’ll see if I can make it into an image somehow) but I hope that my description coveys my distaste. Reasons I don’t like it include, but are not limited to:

1. It doesn’t fit on the page properly, and, instead of being beautiful, it’s full of red hyperlinks and horrible blue font:

It reads more like a draft email than promotional tool. The ‘In this Issue’ box at the top of the email upsets me too, because it doesn’t make sense. It’s an email, not a newsletter. If it’s meant to be a newsletter, please can there be a pretty graphic or something? Maybe a title box informing you it’s a newsletter? None of the images load correctly, and even when I pressed 'images not displaying?' the email is still littered with above hyperlinks. I don't think I have an unusually sensitive eye for aesthetics.

2. Oh god, Valentine’s day. Yes.I know bookselling is tough right now....but, really? Urgh. What sort of cretin gets his roses from a bookshop? Why on earth would a bookshop offer roses? Surely something – I don’t know – something bookish? This is the most lateral promotion ever and I totally fail to see the point of it. And I doubt they’d be Fairtrade roses anyway.

3. They make four suggestions for titles you might want to pop in the store and buy, which will be wrapped and, the best bit, tied with a Foyles ribbon. A propos my earlier point, I fail to understand the type of person who would want a Foyles ribbon (but then I also fail to understand the type of person who shops there in the first place).

The titles on offer are all pretty naff. Edward Monkton, though ace, screams 'I bought you a cheap novelty present because I'm wacky, poor, and don't really know you at all well enough'.

4. However! Apparently in Spain the tradition is for men to buy roses and women to buy the books. This is, firstly, something I didn’t know and, secondly, way cute.

5. Then Foyles remembered that it’s also Chinese New Year – which had already gone by the time this email reached me, but we can forget that if you like (New Year was on 3rd February, but this was sent on 4th. Afterthought, anyone?). A much smaller portion of the email is dedicated to this, which is sad. Though I suppose it reflects the general lack of interest in anything that is translated, or not based in some Anglophone society anyway. It'd be hypocritical to criticise this, as I’ve read very little that’s not Anglo-American. Perhaps if Foyles – and every other bookseller too, I should add – could actually invigorate my reading and make me try something outside my core choices, rather than promoting tokenistic titles as per the calendar’s dictation. I can't comment on the titles on offer, for exactly this reason.

6. Ok, maybe I’ve cheered up a little. Clearly lots of events going on! Classical concerts and events at all the different branches (including the new Bristol one – that city definitely needs more bookshops!).

7. The slogan ‘love books, love Foyles’ is a bit naff. Something better please? Sure, it’s better than ‘Feel every word’ (surely ‘read’ would be a more appropriate verb?) but it’s obvious and forgettable. Work on it, marketing types. You could have something great; you have something mediocre.